So Close to the End


I’m such an idiot.. I know I should NOT say such things but seriously Sam?  Seriously? I have been so busy preparing for the end of my time in Venezuela that I completely missed the news that the end of my time in Venezuela was the LEAST of my worries when right in front of me.. less than 16 days away is the end of the WORLD!!

Please do NOT watch the following film if you are even slightly offended at crude language.

I did warn you.  Why does no one ever listen to me?

Do not think I am making light of this alleged fact..

The Last Man on Earth, 1964

I know there are many naysayers out there. Many who think.. “Dude this entire story has been played out so many times in the past.. how can you possibly even begin to believe that this time it is for real?  Predictions of the end have been in place since man has been in place. So did these past predictions simply come from wishful thinkers, Debbie Downers or people of true ability who just calculated certain things incorrectly?

Everett

 “Predicting the end of the world is a bit like alcoholism,” David Richardson told the San Francisco Chronicle. “Once you get started, it’s hard to stop.”

EverettJust a few examples:

1523 AD End of World by Martin Stlfelius – Preacher predicted during a terrible storm to a frightened congregation who after the storm dissipated took the kind preacher out and nearly beat him to death.   1533 – same man.. same prediction.. same result.. no more predictions after this.  There were more than 40 more predictions of the end from this moment until nearly the 1800s.

Everett

In all of the 1800s there were less than 20 such predictions.. some of which were not so much predictions of the end of the world but merely of the beginning of the new world.  I really do not understand the significance of what the new world entailed but at least it was a bit more positive than stating simply that the world was going to end.

From the start of the 1900s to the present there have been no less than 50 specific dates that have been researched stated and clearly defined as the end.

A few of the most notable:

July 15, 1967 – End of the World by: Jim Jones -

Reverend Jim Jones, founder and leader of the People’s Temple, moved his burgeoning flock to Ukiah, California, around 1964 because he had read in a magazine that it was one of a few places that would be safe from nuclear fallout in the event of a nuclear war… he had predicted such a war was coming on July 15, 1967, so he wanted to be somewhere safe. When the nuclear war didn’t arrive, Jones managed to hang on to a sizable amount of his followers; and in 1978, he and the People’s Temple became famous for their demise in a massive suicide/slaughter ordered by Jones.

1982 – Astrological Alignment – by John Gribbin & Stephen Plagemann

In 1974, John Gribbin and Stephen Plagemann co-authored a book entitled “The Jupiter Effect,” in which they predicted that the Earth would be assaulted by a plague of earthquakes and magnetic storms in 1982 when an alignment of all nine planets on one side of the sun would cause a gravitational stress that would trigger major faults worldwide.

January 1, 2000 Date Error in Computers by:  American Mass Media

The idea was that since computers represented years in two digits – i.e. ’99′ for ’1999′ – that when the year 2000 rolled around, computers worldwide would mistake the ’00′ date for the year ’1900′, and services handled by computers worldwide would be disrupted as computers became convinced they were one-hundred years off the correct date.

Until now none of these things have actually happened…. HOWEVER..  I believe it’s possible that the last predictions were mostly brought on by religious firver… ferver.. farvor..fanaticism … this next prediction came from the Mayans.. right?  They were excellent builders and architects.. I’ve seen some of their work in South American and it’s a little difficult for me to believe that if they could build stone buildings and fields that have withstood thousands of years that they could not construct at minimum a perfect calendar that was simply made of paper and/or IT gadgets that have been placed in watches and computers world-wide.  That these perfectly made gadgets might be falable .. flallable.. failable.. IMPERFECT.. who’s with me on this?   So here it is..

December 21, 2012 – End of the world.. by Mayan Calendars.

(Please disregard the 2100 AD Environmental Crash prediction and the 3797 AD End of the World Predictions by Nostradamus)

So here it is.. We are sooo close to the end.. so close we can almost taste it.. and so on my checklist of things to do before I leave Venezuela.. I have added a few more simple things to do before I “leave” planet earth.. or this life.. or whatever December 21, 2012 brings us.

If you would please disregard the date on this one and change it to December 21, 2012. The logo was awesome.. Thank you in advance.

Now I understand December 21, 2012 is a Friday which is a little inconvenient for those 9 to 5 ers.. but there is nothing that can be done about this.  You need to plan your time accordingly.  I have rounded up a few of my most pressing things I would like to do before the world ends and just try to check them off the list as quickly as possible.  16 days people.. let’s do this..

Top Favorite list of Things to Do Before the End of the World taken from other lists of things other people wanted to do before the end of the world.

Go to Africa and see wild chimpanzees.

Take a class on surviving the zombie apocalypse.

I’d have my girlfriend come over and just lay in bed with me wearing our finest formalwear like the elderly couple in Titanic

Burn my underwear in protest of the unfair treatment of humanity – heck it’s simply poor form to end the world before we’ve colonized another planet and I for one will let those who are doing the destroying that I’m not particularly happy about it.

Sort friends according to “will save” & “will use as a decoy” so you won’t waste time deliberating later.

Tell everyone exactly what I think about them – and I mean EXACTLY! It doesn’t matter if it’s my wife, my children or my boss – what’s he going to do? Fire me? With the freedom of knowing that there will be no consequences of my actions, I’ll simply let lose. Actually I’d only say nice things about my boss…don’t want to get fired before December 20, 2012…who knows who’s going to read this!

Watch favorite cinematic visions of the Apocalypse as listed on entertainment.time.com.  Personal must sees:  The Hunger Games, Zombieland, I am Legend, 28 Days Later, Independence Day, 12 Monkeys and Escape from New York.

Watch the movie Take Shelter
Get your notepad out and take notes. I guess go ahead and watch Deep Impact and The Day After Tomorrow just in case

Email all my Nigerian cousinsand ask them why all my Uncles are dying and leaving me millions of dollars!

Leave Some Evidence – Even if the world ends tomorrow, some people could survive. Also some non-people will definitely survive. Other human-like animals. Microorganisms. Maybe a walrus. And over the next few million years, one of those things could mutate and adapt and pretty much come to take the place of humans as the most intelligent form of life on Earth. If that’s the case, wouldn’t you want those things to know who you were and what you were all about? Grab a pen and some paper and write down your life story. Not ever detail, Thoreau, nobody in the future is going to give a shit about the touchdown you scored in a lunch-break pick-up game in 4th grade. But just in case you die tomorrow, it might not be such a bad idea to tell future generations that you lived, you were here, maybe you did something cool, and they can choose whether or not to care about it. Can paper survive a few million years? Maybe grab a stone and a sharp object. That might work better. Or better yet, create a blog.

Buy a video camera so I can record the end of the world and post it on youtube.hvn or youtube.hll

Change my Facebook Status to “So long and thanks for all the fish” – and then wonder how many of my FB friend will get my Douglas Adams reference!

Horde – Listen, if some of us are going to survive the rapture, there’s going to be great demand for certain items. Food, water, vibrating cock rings, Bentleys…pick one thing as your focus and buy it all up. Every Chipotle franchise. Every Twinkie. That way when the shit goes down and everyone’s freaking out like in Stephen King’s “The Stand,” you can be the guy who says, “Oh…you need Top Ramen? Well what if I told you I have ten lifetime supplies?”

Go fill my gas tank without worrying about being able to pay the rest of my monthly bills.

Commit A Crime – Okay, wait. I don’t mean “go out and commit a crime,” because I think inciting people to break the law is in and of itself against the law. So let’s not mince words here. I’m NOT telling you to break the law. What I am saying is that should you possess that weird psycho gene that compels you to think about doing bad things sometimes, now’s not a bad time to act on it. What’s the worst that could happen? You’re not going to be booked, tried, sentenced to death and executed all within the next 24 hours. It’s pretty feasible that you could commit a crime and get away with it on a technicality (the apocalypse).

Call the President and ask if there are any seats left on Spaceship 1 – you know there must be an escape plan ready for the elite!

Think of some great last lines
Hey you are going to die in about a month. So you should go out on top. What better way then having a great last line to your life. You don’t want to go out like some bitch and die by crying “I don’t wanna die!” If you can’t think of a good last line go ahead and steal one. It is not like someone is going to call you out on it. So when you see your fiery grave approaching yell out “I think we need a bigger boat!”

Answer all the unanswered questions that have intrigued the masses over the last few years. What is the meaning of life? Is Michael Jackson alive? Are there aliens? Who will win American Idol after the world is destroyed? These profound questions have perplexed the generations, and I can conclusively give answers to all of these and more – and guess what? No one can prove me wrong!

Find the nearest Mayan person
Who better to help you get ready for 12-21-12 then a Mayan person. I mean they are the idiots who made that dumb calendar. First ask them why in the hell are they such d-bags. Why can’t we have one more Christmas? You should ask nicely for them to talk to their god or cow or whatever they believe to push doomsday back a few weeks. It would be sweet to have one more New Years in and I really would like to see how Breaking Bad ends. Lets aim for 12-21-36

And finally, just before I do any of the above, I will really make sure that the world is going to end on December 21, 2012 – I’m going to look pretty darned silly if it doesn’t; I’m also going to be in a lot of financial trouble!

My Favorite – - – -

 Embrace And Enjoy It – We’re all going to die. Eventually. One of you reading this might actually die tomorrow for reasons completely unrelated to this end of the world bullshit. And although none of us really know what’s going to happen tomorrow (that’s a lie, we all know nothing is going to happen), it shouldn’t prevent any of us from going out and having fun tonight. I know it’s totally cliche, but the expression “live each day as if its your last” is the recipe for leading a joyous and rewarding life. If you’re happiest sitting in front of a TV watching “The Event,” by all means do that. If you’re happiest blacking out and throwing up in an alleyway, do that. But don’t sit around and do nothing because you fear death. And don’t go crazy just because you think the world might end tomorrow. Do the things you love whenever you want to. Whenever you can. Every day, if possible. You’ll live happily. You’ll live stress-free. Your friends will feed off your energy and feel just as great by being in your presence. No one knows how long we’re here for, so enjoy it. Embrace it. Love it.

Lists are from:

http://simeyc.hubpages.com/hub/things-to-do-the-day-before-the-world-ends-on-December-21-2012

http://www.funnyordie.com/articles/18bc7dceb7/things-to-do-before-the-end-of-the-world

http://www.swanfungus.com/2011/05/the-top-ten-things-to-do-before-the-world-ends.html

About these ads

13 thoughts on “So Close to the End

  1. Hilarious! The part about telling people what you really think of them…my co-workers and I have had the same conversation, only the scenario is winning enough money in the lottery so we can quit and say what we really think about certain people. :-P

Watcha wanna say...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s