Novaturient


Novaturient (Adjective) Origin:  Latin | A desire for powerful change in one’s life or situation.

ETYMOLOGY: The word “nova” originates from the Latin novus meaning ‘new’.

“Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)”
― Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

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“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

So many “aha” moments in a person’s life.  Kids being born, family dying, graduations, marriages, big moves.  Or let’s just say an unexpected pandemic.  You start asking yourself questions.  Do I stay or do I go?  Do I settle or do I move on?

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“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
― Leo Tolstoy

My life has been about changing myself.  I have sought out continual change.  I have attempted to fit in where ever I am and who ever I am with.  I have never felt good enough, or ready enough, old enough, or even young enough.  Rich enough or happy enough to settle for what and where I am.  The past year has made me realize that, at least for myself, I am enough.

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“It’s only after you’ve stepped outside your comfort zone that you begin to change, grow, and transform.”
― Roy T. Bennett

As much as I have tried to fit in and be everything for everyone.  I have also spent my life stepping out of my comfort zone.  So often am I living in uncomfortable positions that I sometimes think I will never be able to be comfortable just in one place. Just being me. That’s almost more scary then change.

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“Even if you cannot change all the people around you, you can change the people you choose to be around. Life is too short to waste your time on people who don’t respect, appreciate, and value you. Spend your life with people who make you smile, laugh, and feel loved.”
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

This is my aim.  My newest epiphany.  My newest desire for change in my life and in every situation I find myself in.  Acceptance of self.  And with acceptance of self, acceptance of others.  Though I feel that I have always accepted others, I am now realizing that the way I feel I have been has not been the way I have been perceived by others.  My change will be demonstrating to myself and to others that I am willing to accept them as they are just as I am willing to accept myself as I am.  It’s a weird notion for me but I do know that this is the powerful change that I need to move towards.  Just looking for smiles my friend.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
― Lao Tzu

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.”
― C. JoyBell C.

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”
― Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Screenplay

Powerful change/powerful acceptance:   Better; Nim; GS; Val; Happypanda; pvcann; fit; NVI; Erika; Cherie; AP2; Jenna; Angela; JJ

Meraki


Meraki (noun) Origin: Greek | Putting part of yourself into what you are doing.

This is a modern Greek word that’s often used to describe the instance wherein you leave a part of yourself (your soul, creativity, or love) in your work — so it’s like when you intensely love to do something or just about anything that you put something of yourself into it.

Love myself I do. Not everything, but I love the good as well as the bad. I love my crazy lifestyle, and I love my hard discipline. I love my freedom of speech and the way my eyes get dark when I’m tired. I love that I have learned to trust people with my heart, even if it will get broken. I am proud of everything that I am and will become. ~ Johnny Weir

I started this blog in July of 2012.  I initially started writing this and showing off the places, people, food, and art to help my kids be a part of what I was doing.  For the most part, they are largely oblivious that I am still writing this.  Initially I did it for them, but I have realized that over the years,  this blog has been something I have been doing as much, if not more, for myself as for them.  

Every time I go back and read what I have written, I can place myself in the exact place or state of mind I was in when I wrote it.  The pictures encapsulate where I was, and sometimes who I was, at that particular place and time.  A lot of what I wrote cracks me up.  Reminds me that I have not made gigantic philosophical leaps over time.  I am still the silly, weird, dorky, child that I was at 10.  I still wander and wonder about all of the things I come across. It takes very little to amuse me, make me smile, and/or destroy me.

I have on occasion gone back over some of my posts and have felt slightly embarrassed because what I wrote was a bit too ridiculous and stream of consciousness style.  I have considered deleting some posts for that reason, but changed my mind.  Those posts are likely more me than many of the other more lucid posts.  I am Sam, Sam I am, I am what I am. Auspicious beginnings was one of the first posts I wrote and yes, even now it is all true.

I put my all of me into my blog.  My soul, creativity, and love.  I started a diary when I was 9 years old (1976 if you struggle with math). Ironically, it took me over a year to start writing in it.  Like all diaries, I started out writing daily 9 year old drama and eventually moved to weekly, monthly, and eventually yearly entries.  In 2013, my daughter gave me a new diary called “The Happiness Journal” I wrote in that one for five years every single day.  I cannot honestly say those things were the happiest things I could have thought of, but they were also all me.

It’s so bizarre.  I can see myself in each of those pages in full form.  The love, hate, funny, angry, and sad person that wove me through my life.  I am 54 years old now and I imagine that at some point my kids will find this slab of my mind in print and laugh and cry as they work their way through what is likely going to be a 50+ year retrospective of my imagined but really felt joys and failures.

Seriously, leave me alone I was only 10!! Cracks me up though and I can seriously see angry little Sami, stonily sitting in her basement bedroom furiously writing out my little world’s woes.  Ah to be 10 again!

When my daughters were born, I began a journal of their lives and when they turned 17 or so, they were completely filled with my random wonderings of their lives and I presented these to them as a Christmas present one year.  I believe that they each still have that documentary evidence of my love for them during the first part of their lives.  I hope that they know that all of those words, photos, clippings bring back memories to me that are as real and poignant to me now as they were when I entered them into and onto those pages.

So my meraki appears to be documenting my own life and experiences and even the life and experiences of the ones I love.  I have been diligent about it.  Accurate to my own first-hand experiences and memories.  If you have read anything I have written here or looked at anything I have painted there.  You will see me.  You will see what I saw.  You will see and understand the things that have been important to me.  The things that are still important to me.  I hope you have enjoyed and will continue to enjoy the ride and the read.

Meraki mumblings:  Leha; Pooja; Princess; Merakisbsc; Gavin; Whisperer; Jess; Adyeshablog; Roy; DanielleAnika

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Sehnsucht


Sehnsucht: (noun) Origin: German |An intense yearning for something far-off and indefinable.

ETYMOLOGY: From German words sehnen (to long) and Sucht (anxiety; sickness; addiction).

“There is a German word, Sehnsucht, which has no English equivalent; it means ‘the longing for something’. It has Romantic and mystical connotations; C.S. Lewis defined it as the ‘inconsolable longing’ in the human heart for ‘we know not what’. It seems rather German to be able to specify the unspecifiable. The longing for something – or, in our case, for someone.”
― Julian Barnes

“The greatest forces lie in the region of the uncomprehended.”
― George MacDonald

“Who then is to judge what is good, true, and beautiful? You are. Plato says it is the soul: the proper dimensions and proportions are already stored in our minds, and when we recognize the good, true, and beautiful– how is it that we do it? It is by anamnesis, the act of recalling what we have seen somewhere before. You must have received an impression of what is right somewhere else, because you recognize it instantly; you don’t have to have it analyzed; you don’t have to say, “That is beautiful,” or “That is ugly”; you welcome it as an old acquaintance. We recognize what is lovely because we have seen it somewhere else, and as we walk through the world, we are constantly on the watch for it with a kind of nostalgia, so that when we see an object or a person that pleases us, it is like recognizing an old friend.”
― Hugh Nibley

Amazing imagery:  Liz; Rotherbaron; Pawlo; woowee; soylani; olwen; johanna; schrati; Luwian; Jamiet

Schwellenangst


Schwellenangst (noun) Origin: German | Fear of crossing a threshold to embark on something new.

ETYMOLOGY: From the German words Schwelle (threshold) + Angst (anxiety).

My dad passed in October and when I saw this word, it brought me back to his passing.  It still causes angst in my heart along with the realization that I have embarked on a new journey.  A journey that will no longer include my father or my mother.

In the U.S. death is viewed with angst, with fear, with trepidation, with not many positive words.  All of these words are true, but more for the living than for the dying.  Even the word passed is a euphemism that makes you think that the threshold is just something you walk through which makes the actual event that much more traumatic (for the living).  Watching someone die is traumatic. Devastating.

The word also brought me back to my time in Nepal.  In Nepal bodies are generally cremated.  They are carried through the street (also generally) and brought to the sacred area where folks sit on one side of a river and 5-9 bodies would be laid to rest on the other side of the river and publicly and openly cremated.  Families would gather on the other side of the river and watch the events.  There would often be food and drink shared and people would come and go from the cremation area.  Anyone could stand and watch or pass through this area.  At first it was super odd to watch but also fascinating.   Kids were playing nearby, monkeys begging for snacks, old people staring into the distance.  Who knows what they were contemplating.  There was sadness of course, but it was an expected event.  Everyone lives and everyone dies.

I actually found it reassuring.  Crossing the threshold is inevitable.  The end is not necessarily the most important part of the journey.  In Nepal, it was a reminder that we are all eventually smoke and ash.  The trick for me is not to be smoke and ash during the years I am passing through right now.  Here’s to the threshold!  Enjoy.

“Life itself means to separate and to be reunited, to change form and condition, to die and to be reborn. It is to act and to cease, to wait and to rest, and then to begin acting again, but in a different way. And there are always new thresholds to cross: the threshold of summer and winter, of season or a year, of a month of a night; the thresholds of birth, adolescence, maturity and old age; the threshold of death and that of the afterlife — for those who believe in it.”
― Arnold van Gennep

Threshold:  Thoughts; Hobbo; blindzanygirl; victoria; purplerays; strangers; heart; compassandcamera; beth; dale; brand; maedharanael; ben; tom; overthinking; shayan; swabby; Yinglan; Ramblings

Komorebi


Komorebi (noun) Origin: Japanese | The sunlight that filters through the trees.

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During my time in Nepal, I was able to visit an elephant rescue sanctuary.  There were parts of this place that were stunning.  It was amazing to be so close to such massive and gentle beasts.  The surroundings were magical with the the sun lightly shining through the trees.

However, in the end, I was not in love with the place or the concept of this particular reserve. As I looked at these majestic animals, at each part of the animal, I became a little sad.  A baby separated from its mother, sad eyes, chains.  So many tourists. Myself included.

I promised myself I would not participate in this type of tour again.  I support animal rescue efforts.  However, this one left me feeling a little empty.  One day I would love to participate in a tour that allows me to visit elephants when they are roaming free and in their natural habitat.

A prayer for the wild at heart kept in cages.
― Tennessee Williams

The truth is I love being alive. And I love feeling free. So if I can’t have those things then I feel like a caged animal and I’d rather not be in a cage. I’d rather be dead. And it’s real simple. And I think it’s not that uncommon. – Angelina Jolie

Ava; Philosophy; Shivani; Goff; tasview; redcat; Pat; candice; Mike