Schwellenangst

Schwellenangst (noun) Origin: German | Fear of crossing a threshold to embark on something new.

ETYMOLOGY: From the German words Schwelle (threshold) + Angst (anxiety).

My dad passed in October and when I saw this word, it brought me back to his passing.  It still causes angst in my heart along with the realization that I have embarked on a new journey.  A journey that will no longer include my father or my mother.

In the U.S. death is viewed with angst, with fear, with trepidation, with not many positive words.  All of these words are true, but more for the living than for the dying.  Even the word passed is a euphemism that makes you think that the threshold is just something you walk through which makes the actual event that much more traumatic (for the living).  Watching someone die is traumatic. Devastating.

The word also brought me back to my time in Nepal.  In Nepal bodies are generally cremated.  They are carried through the street (also generally) and brought to the sacred area where folks sit on one side of a river and 5-9 bodies would be laid to rest on the other side of the river and publicly and openly cremated.  Families would gather on the other side of the river and watch the events.  There would often be food and drink shared and people would come and go from the cremation area.  Anyone could stand and watch or pass through this area.  At first it was super odd to watch but also fascinating.   Kids were playing nearby, monkeys begging for snacks, old people staring into the distance.  Who knows what they were contemplating.  There was sadness of course, but it was an expected event.  Everyone lives and everyone dies.

I actually found it reassuring.  Crossing the threshold is inevitable.  The end is not necessarily the most important part of the journey.  In Nepal, it was a reminder that we are all eventually smoke and ash.  The trick for me is not to be smoke and ash during the years I am passing through right now.  Here’s to the threshold!  Enjoy.

“Life itself means to separate and to be reunited, to change form and condition, to die and to be reborn. It is to act and to cease, to wait and to rest, and then to begin acting again, but in a different way. And there are always new thresholds to cross: the threshold of summer and winter, of season or a year, of a month of a night; the thresholds of birth, adolescence, maturity and old age; the threshold of death and that of the afterlife — for those who believe in it.”
― Arnold van Gennep

Threshold:  Thoughts; Hobbo; blindzanygirl; victoria; purplerays; strangers; heart; compassandcamera; beth; dale; brand; maedharanael; ben; tom; overthinking; shayan; swabby; Yinglan; Ramblings

Komorebi

Komorebi (noun) Origin: Japanese | The sunlight that filters through the trees.

During my time in Nepal, I was able to visit an elephant rescue sanctuary.  There were parts of this place that were stunning.  It was amazing to be so close to such massive and gentle beasts.  The surroundings were magical with the the sun lightly shining through the trees.

However, in the end, I was not in love with the place or the concept of this particular reserve. As I looked at these majestic animals, at each part of the animal, I became a little sad.  A baby separated from its mother, sad eyes, chains.  So many tourists. Myself included.

I promised myself I would not participate in this type of tour again.  I support animal rescue efforts.  However, this one left me feeling a little empty.  One day I would love to participate in a tour that allows me to visit elephants when they are roaming free and in their natural habitat.

A prayer for the wild at heart kept in cages.
― Tennessee Williams

The truth is I love being alive. And I love feeling free. So if I can’t have those things then I feel like a caged animal and I’d rather not be in a cage. I’d rather be dead. And it’s real simple. And I think it’s not that uncommon. – Angelina Jolie

Ava; Philosophy; Shivani; Goff; tasview; redcat; Pat; candice; Mike

Kopfkino

Kopfkino (noun) Origin: German | The act of playing out an entire scenario in your mind.

Hard translation is “head cinema” and as the definition goes, these are for those times where you start daydreaming or imagining scenarios about how a situation will unravel.

I live in my head.  Specifically when I am stressed out. My specific types of scenarios are often referred to as “heroic imagination” scenarios.  Yes.  I am the hero of my own dreams and my own imaginations. Of course to be a hero, you have to face adversity, trials, and tribulations.  I will admit that my scenarios run the outrageous to the often outlandishly ridiculous extreme. In my imagination, I never stood quietly by why bullies beat down the underdog.

All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. ~ Edmund Burke

I used to think it was weird.  Even when I was in the middle of one of these mental scenarios.  This existing in the reality of feeling inadequate, beaten down, or inadequate while at the same time co-existing in my wonderful mental reality of always overcoming the odds and taking out societies bullies and deviants through my Emmett Brown – mad-scientist high-intellect, James Bond -smarmy attitude, and MacGyver-like ingenuity.

What I believe played a part in my transition from every day nerd kid to heroic fixer of all things evil (or moderately annoying)?  As I researched this phenomena, I came to realize that this affliction might very well come from the wealth of random and situational realities that I grew up in.

When I was very young, most of my childhood heroes wore capes, flew through the air, or picked up buildings with one arm. They were spectacular and got a lot of attention. But as I grew, my heroes changed, so that now I can honestly say that anyone who does anything to help a child is a hero to me. – Fred Rogers

Helicopter Parents – When I grew up, the definition of a helicopter parent would have been: A parent who randomly flies by and zooms off.  From about the age of 2-7, my sisters and i had free run of the yard and back alley and possibly the block our house existed on. Parents would look out the windows or neighbors would babysit us from their own windows.  We knew how to behave (mostly) because we knew we would be ratted out by the ratfink neighbors. From 7-11, we managed to work our territory to the local playground, swimming pool, chasing ice cream trucks for miles, and sometimes even to our downtown area. As long as we were back home before dark … or before our parents got home, we were pretty much never in trouble.  From 11-18 we pretty much did what we wanted and then begged for forgiveness after the fact.  This is not to say that we never got in trouble or found ourselves in ridiculous predicaments.  I imagine this is definitely one of the reasons my heroic imagination developed.  Childhood is sometimes kind of scary and to overcome this, I developed scenarios where I could rescue myself and my sisters.

80s movies – The Garbage Pail Kids, Killer Clowns from Outer Space, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Adventures in Babysitting, Better Off Dead, Breakfast Club, Red Dawn, Footloose, Weird Science, all of the Stephen King movies.  Really, almost every 80s movie ever made. Outlandish scenarios with outlandish heroes.

You can kind of see the hero in me.  Right?  Always in disguise. Kind of amazing.

Reading Books – I was a bit of a loner and super shy as a child.  I always played the part of the underdog.  I had a great imagination.  I read book after book about children and teens on magical adventures, or misadventures.  Kids who overcame difficulties like being kidnapped, shipwrecked, abandoned, etc.  They always managed to come out on top.  They were kids with moral courage and the willingness, adaptability and wherewithal to overcome the odds and stand up to evil in every form.

Military Training – I joined the Navy at 16 and went to boot camp during the summer between my junior and senior year.  Part of this was due to my belief that I was really the only one I could count on to fix, save, repair myself or my sisters from some of the outrageous situations we often found ourselves in.  I mean, you have to learn to fight and control situations and what better way to do that. Bootcamp sucked.  But I did learn some life skills that have stayed with me to this day.  I’m not afraid of many things.

“I think a hero is really any person intent on making this a better place for all people.” – Maya Angelou

As I grew up, married, had kids, divorce, changed jobs, traveled, and everything else that happens in life, I still occasionally (often) revert back to  this heroic and positively deviant imagination.  For years I tried to break this habit because even I thought it was bizarre.  This existing in the actual world while equally and positively existing in this alternate and wonderful world where I overcame the odds every single time.

After years of doing this, I feel like it often helps me figure out daily situations.  As long as I am not zoning out and being inappropriate.  I mean I have never actually tried to wear a spandex outfit and climb the side of a building.  But this imagination has made me a little more situationally aware.  I have been told it is better to be a hero in my imagination than the one who is beaten down. I think I am more resilient these days and less afraid than I was as a child.  I hardly ever play the bystander which is super helpful in a crisis situation.  Sometimes, my imagination only brings me to a place of self-acceptance.  For me, being the hero of my own story has led me to more amazing places and good outcomes than had I chosen to remain in my less appealing realities.  They have taught me to dream big and actually take action on my dreams.  There ain’t nothing wrong with being a hero.  Even if, most of the time, it’s only in your head.

“A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.” – Christopher Reeve

“The hero is one who kindles a great light in the world, who sets up blazing torches in the dark streets of life for men to see by.” – Felix Adler

Imagination: serendipity; Pete; yi-ching; ambivert; sandra; ben; aarzu; rahul; rajan; ally; norah