About rfljenksy

Just a little girl in a big world. I've been saying this about myself since I joined the Navy back in 1984. Someone once asked me if I stole this quote from Marilyn Monroe. I was naive enough at the time to think that I could have come up with anything that original and said "No, I made it up." “I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love.” ― Marilyn Monroe I am once again in the middle of starting a new career path. I am loving life and just want to share a few of my travel adventures with some of the people I love the most.

Querencia


Querencia (adjective) Origin: Spanish | que·ren·cia  A place where one feels safe, A place where one feels at home.

When I was a baby, I was afraid of everything and everyone. It didn’t matter who was around.  It didn’t matter what I was doing.  I was just afraid. Even if I didn’t look like it, I was.  Mom and dad would tell me stories of how I would jump at everything.  I would scream and cry at the introduction of everything new. When I look at my baby picture, I just wonder what the heck was going on in my little pea brain.  I wonder why I was so afraid.

At some point in my life, that all changed and for the most part I have felt safe and at home pretty much where ever I happened to be.  It didn’t matter who was around.  It didn’t matter what I was doing.  When I saw this word, I had to really think about what Querencia currently means to me.  At first I thought to myself, I feel pretty confident where ever I am and in pretty much every situation.  

The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.  ~ Maya Angelou

However, when I re-read the actual definition, “A place where one feels safe.  A place where one feels at home.”  I had to seriously ask myself where that place is.  I could not, off the top of my head really say that I felt that there was an actual place where that would be true.  These days, I feel slightly more restless and not very safe.  

I started going through some old photos and it was strange.  Years ago, I would have said that this place existed when I was with my children.  I did my best to make their lives safe and comfortable.  They were babies and I was their mom, their protector.  I’m not sure that would be my answer right now.  Kids grow up, things change. Life happens.  Drama ensues.  I hope one day I can go back to that feeling.  There will always be love, but it hasn’t felt like home for some time.

Even before kids, I would have said it was when I was around my younger sister. We did everything together.  I trusted her to be my solid.  My one bestie that I could always depend on.  I think that has also changed. Life happens.  Emotions held back, words left unsaid hanging in the air. Doubts and fears and who knows what.  But it changes.  I hope that one day I can go back to that feeling.  There will always be love, but it also has not felt like home for some time.

I have some special friends that always make me feel safe and comfortable.  But at home?  We are always so busy that we can’t always make the time.  I always feel good when I am around them but the times around them are so short and so far apart that the home piece is missing.  It’s because I live so far away.  The relationship building is hard to do so far away.  I have some friends that I connect with frequently and when we come together, no matter how long we have been apart, it feels like home and it feels safe.  It’s just the darn suitcases that remind me that I’m not really home.

But then, I came across some pictures of my older sister.  Even though we didn’t hang out much when we were little and we fought like cats and dogs as we grew, she was always my protector when I really needed her.  She has been consistent and the same our entire lives.  She has opened her house to me and visited me when I was down, picked me up from teen heartbreak, joined the Navy like I had, raised kids like I had, and so many other things.  She’s the one to placate a situation. She’s the peacemaker.  She will make me laugh when I go over the ledge rather than help me jump.  I don’t like getting all stressed and down and she doesn’t let me feel sorry for myself but she does it in a way that is kind.  She never tries to over-analyze every situation I need to talk about.  She lets me flow and grow and feel safe.  She’s much better at it than I am.  I feel safe, unjudged, and familiar when I am around her.  I love her for this. I feel safe around her for this.  I feel at home around her for this.  Thanks sis.

    Querencia:  Rhapsody; keshy; hope; Varsha; Rebecca; 1227; sanguine; jessica; heartmind; Dylan; Pennie

 

 

 

Dès Vu


Dès Vu (noun) Origin: Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows | The awareness that this will become a memory.

ETYMOLOGY: From the French word dès vu, “seen as soon as” or “seen from this point forward”

Sometimes this is how I view the things I do as I am doing them.  I travel a lot and have lived far away from everyone I know for a very long time.  My long-standing and connected group of friends and family have built histories of togetherness and sameness.  Sometimes I am jealous of them.  Sometimes they say they are jealous of me.

This has been my intent and my dream and I have chosen this life and have very few regrets.  I turn 54 this month and though this is still young, I am quite far from my mid-life stage.  I mean really?  I truly do not expect to live to 108.  I do have some decades in front of me but sometimes when I am looking ahead, I can’t help but already feel disconnected from what is directly in front of me.  I feel like the present has already happened and I begin to miss moments at the exact time I am experiencing them.  I know that in minutes it will be gone and all that will remain is the memory of what once was…

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Once in a while you look up, and watch as the present turns into a memory, as if some future you is already looking back on it.

“I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved and where all your yesteryears are buried deep, leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance.”
― Beryl Markham

“The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me, because there was no longer anyone to remember with. It felt like losing your co-rememberer meant losing the memory itself, as if the things we’d done were less real and important than they had been hours before.”
― John Green

Dès Vu – Mina; Neveah; Winter; Murmel; Eliza; Brian; Inese; nananoyz; jay-lyn; Happysoul; Dorinda; paintdigi

Schwellenangst


Schwellenangst (noun) Origin: German | shwel·en·ahngst  Fear of crossing a threshold to embark on something new

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Schwellenangst has always been an anomaly to me.  I have spent my life living in a mostly fearless way.  I have embraced the new and have actively sought it out.  Sameness bores me.  I have lived a life that has required me to be quick at making decisions that have hurled me into the new.  Spontaneity has described the essence of me and is what and who I have been.

I think that this is why the last year has been so hard on me.  As much as not being able to be spontaneous and come and go as I please, there has been some comfort in being isolated, locked inside, living silently in my safe cocoon solitude with no interference.  It has even been refreshing to be slightly bored.

Though I am looking forward to some upcoming changes that might bring me back to my normal.  In the same manner, for the first time in my life I am feeling a surge of schwellenangst at all of the newness that is bound to emerge as I enter this new normal.

“Fear and anxiety many times indicates that we are moving in a positive direction, out of the safe confines of our comfort zone, and in the direction of our true purpose.”
― Charles F. Glassman

“We do not fear the unknown. We fear what we think we know about the unknown.” – Teal Swan

Schwellenangst in others: Lauren; Moments; Thoughtsthatpersist; kaushal; Christine; Joseph; Thelen; Binnzy; Orlando; Perditus; Eddie; Alexander; Elaine; John

Saudade


Saudade (noun) Origin: Portuguese | sɐw’dadə A nostalgic longing to be near again to something distant or someone that is distant.

I am nostalgic about almost every place I have ever been.  I miss the memories of the traveling I have done, of the places I have seen, of the people I have met.  I took a trip to Croatia with my youngest daughter a few years ago and it really was an amazing time.  Sure there were the mommy/daughter moments that were outrageously annoying.  However, I prefer to only remember the best parts of that trip.

I think it’s easier to remember … and to forget the annoyances of traveling with family than it is regarding issues that arise while traveling with friends. For me, it is because family has known you forever and you have your patterns and histories of the good and the bad.  For every bad there is a good.  Especially with your children.  My dream has always been to show my children the world.  Luckily for me, I have been pretty successful at that.

Though I do love traveling with friends.  There is always a feeling of saudade when my children or family are not around.  I feel like I have let them down by not having them participate in my adventure.  The re-telling is never the same as the being there.  Also, there is a freedom of being able to comfortably be at your best, your worst, your goofiest, your happiest, and even your saddest.  I am looking forward to more travels with them, more memories with them, and really, just being nearer to them.

“That strange sense of being different stays with you. You long to be with people who are more like you. Similarities are what bonds humans than differences, Beevitha.”
― Husna Mohammad

Saudade:  Irina; Iamfierce; candk; seeking; julia; zeki; simon; Asakura; agogo; chronosfer;

Wabi-Sabi


Wabi-Sabi (noun) Origin: Japanese | The discovery of beauty within the imperfections of life and art.

This yet another Japanese aesthetic that has a very deep meaning in which life and art are viewed as beautiful not because they are perfect and eternal but because they are imperfect and fleeting.

We experience happiness as a series of pleasing moments. They come and go like clouds, unpredictable, fleeting, and without responsibility to our desires. Through honest self-work, reflection, and meditation, we begin to string more of these moments together, creating a web-like design of happiness that drapes around our lives. Tara Stiles

Every time I go home I find that everything has changed.  I mean some of the things are the same, but for the most part, it is all different.  Like in my brain that one laugh, that one smile, that one experience remains, but all of the emotions have changed.  It’s like starting over each time. Sometimes that makes me happy and sometimes that makes me sad. I try to hold on to the happy and ignore the sad.  However, it’s possible that the sadness and the anger and the misunderstandings help you to realize how fleeting the happy times are and how you should be holding on to them even tighter. These happy times are exactly the wabi-sabi that makes it all so beautiful.  That in the end, makes it all so very beautiful.

I get those fleeting, beautiful moments of inner peace and stillness – and then the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day, I’m a human trying to make it through in this world. Ellen DeGeneres

fleeting: Albatz; Tina; philos; ana; yamoto; xanbarbara; swati; penross; barbara; chris; mugdha