Da Da Daddio


Here you are so long ago.. where’d the time go da da daddio?  What were your dreams, your fears, your hopes? Expectations.. yes’s no’s? So hard to believe .. this was you. Yet, you told me a few dozen years ago that you felt it still was you!! But when you looked in the mirror, you could not believe what you saw.  You asked yourself as you stared intently, “Who the hell is that old man?”  I laughed at that.  Though i completely understood.  Now, a few dozen years later.. I ask myself, where’d the time go da da daddio?

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Here you are in the middle flow.. where’d the time go da da daddio? You found your true love.  You stayed steadfast and true.  You worked like a dog and you saw us through.  We were so young you watched us grow and loved ones go and still you rocked and rolled. Through births .. work.. joys.. pains.. pains in the asses.. fast times … slow times… graduations.. separations.. grandkids.. life in the middle.. watch it go.. and go.. and go.  What did we miss?  How could we know?  How fast the time would flow like a raging river.  Like a bird… time, it flies.. away .. sort of flew away.  How COULD we know?  Where’d the time go da da daddio?

Here you are not so long ago.. where’d the time go da da daddio? You lost your true love and now are alone.  We wondered how you would fare for yourself.  What would you do?  How could you possibly be just one .. just one.  A solo act?  But you carried on and made new friends.  Took vacations.. traveled.. laughed and lived.  There were definite lows but none too low.  There were definite highs.. but none too high.  Where’d the time go da da daddio?

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Hey, hey, hey da da daddio!  Time still passed and life still flowed.  Oh those years.. where did they go? Tell me, tell me da da daddio!! A star rising a sun setting.  Moon dances .. weddings.. women chasing you as the most eligible bachelor in the place. A million hours passed and you enjoyed every single one of them.  More time passed and more time passed and more time passed.  I live so far away but every time I come home .. it’s the same .. but so different .. where’s the time going da da daddio?

you’re almost 80 .. not so old.. i tell myself .. and yet i know.. there comes a time we all must go .. but you’re still here for now and so .. my heart holds tight .. my eyes they flow .. what the hell do doctors know ..

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Here we were not so long ago.. where’d the time go da da daddio?

“I smile because you’re my father. I laugh because there’s nothing you can do about it.” – Unknown

The Last Time I said Goodbye


“Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

 

When you tell someone goodbye, you will never know if that will be the last time you will be able to tell them goodbye, the last time you will be able to say it, the last time you will be able to tell them you love them and can’t wait to see them again.

“I thought I was stronger than a word, but I just discovered that having to say goodbye to you is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
― Colleen Hoover, November 9

 

Well, goodbye Monique, I love you.  Rest easy and I will see you later.  I really believe that.

 “I’ve never forgotten him. Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart. I still cannot understand how he could abandon me so unceremoniously, without any sort of goodbye, without looking back even once. The pain is like an axe that chops my heart. ”

― Yann Martel, Life of Pi

 

Dad – Behind every great daughter is a truly amazing dad


My last post about my dad was back in June.  I just went back and read it about 3 times.  Loved looking at the photos and remembering him how he was.  He has always been the most influential man in my life.  He lifted my self-esteem (Sami, you are my favorite!). He helped me grow great work ethics (It’s better to do a job right the first time then have to re-do the job) and a superb ability to out stubborn anyone (Sami, always admit when you are wrong, but if you are right, never back down).  He developed in me a crazy ability to laugh at my own jokes, even if no one else did and to tell really, really terrible jokes (Little Johnny was in the classroom and had to go to the bathroom, he raised his hand and said…).

I am who I am because of him.

My Daddy was my hero. He was always there for me when I needed him. He listened to me and taught me so many things. But most of all he was fun.
—Bindi Irwin

No worries, he’s still here.  But he’s aging, getting sick, being hospitalized, getting out, continuing on with his crazy life, going a little crazy at times, getting sick again, acting like a child, getting old, and just moving through life faster than I want him to.

Years ago he said to me as we were sitting in a dive bar in Spokane, “Sami, you see that young man walking through that door? How old do you think he is?” I looked at the young man walking in the bar and said, “Well he’s at least 21!”  Dad said, “Yeah, at least 21!  That’s how I see myself when I think of myself.  Then I walk by a mirror and I think….who is that old man looking back at me.  I can’t imagine it’s me.  I never feel that way.  I can’t imagine it’s me.  I really can’t”

We both sort of laughed about it and moved on with our lives.  Fast forward about 20 years.  I feel what he felt sometimes.  But I feel it more when i look at him now.  Especially being so far away from him.

When I was working in Nepal, I had just gone through the earthquake and so was a little shattered and scattered and I happened to call him up.  He didn’t sound like himself at all.  I was convinced he had had a minor stroke.  I rushed home as quickly as I could.. which is a feat.. let me tell you.  The folks I worked for were super amazing and supported me through this emotional roller coaster.  I arrived back in Spokane and for the most part it seemed like all was well and I had panicked for no reason at all.  Except, every once in a while, he would sort of tear up.  Right before I was due to leave for my next assignment, I met up with him and he looked ecstatic.  I asked him why he was so darn happy all of a sudden.  He told me he had received GREAT news from the doctor.. all of his tests came back clean and he was as healthy as an old horse like him could be.  So, apparently there had been a reason for me to sort of panic.  Dads.. what are you gonna do.

Well, about 3 good years later and here we go again.  A few weeks ago, I got a call from my sister.  She said, “Dad’s been in the hospital with heart and kidney problems.  He also has pneumonia.  Apparently he had been in an auto accident several  weeks ago and didn’t tell anyone.”  He checked himself out of the hospital because he didn’t want to stay there. Wouldn’t follow any of the doctor’s recommendations and was being a pain in the butt to everyone.  She flew to Arizona and worked him through his situation and attitude. Got his meds worked out and sent some pictures to help my other sister and i get emotionally prepared for whatever might happen.

Snidely Whiplash

This is a little doohickey dad found in a parking lot. Snidely rode with my dad for nearly 40 years when he was a truck driver. I began using it as a “keep dad safe” lucky charm.

Over the course of the past few weeks, my sis has been going from Washington to Arizona to check in on him, get him set up with doctors, physical therapy.  I’m not sure what I would have done, or how I would have handled it without her.  It’s been super stressful and emotional.  It’s so weird to see him in this position.  It breaks my heart.

When I think of him that is now how I see him.  I can’t imagine it’s him.  In my minds eye and in my heart, that’s not how I see him.  Then I look at these pictures or see him in person and I think….who is that old man looking back at me.  I can’t imagine it’s him.  I really can’t.

Then, as I was writing this blog, literally just now, my sister sent me the below messages and photos.

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I catch my breath and in my head say, “Thank you!!” Because now, for a minute at least,  I can imagine him .. how I think of him ..

Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes.
—Gloria Naylor

 

A Few Things Through my Eyes – Stolen Time


Lost time is never found again. – Benjamin Franklin

Once again I’ve been robbed.  Hard to believe how often this happens in my life.  No, I’m not talking about my personal possessions.  I’m talking about my time.  It seems that the more time I try to find, the quicker it is stolen.  Who is at fault for this?  Is society to blame?  My friends or my family.. are they the culprits?  Is it really my own fault?  Even if it is my own fault, am I really to blame?  Really?

Because we have so much eye candy and mind candy, spending so much time trying to pay the rent, all of this conspires to keep us from thinking too hard or taking action from that. Our time is stolen. So much of our daily life is stolen.  Lydia Lunch

So here is the question.  Do I sit and mourn that lost time?  Do I waste more time chastising myself or going around apologizing for all of the things I have missed and lost in my hurry to do other things?  Do I cry because I have missed out on relationships while trying to find a relationship?  What have I lost and what is there to gain by trying to recoup it?

How can I know that while sifting through emails, perusing facebook and various blogs or laughing at crazy little ridiculous photos, sayings or jokes that my time might be better spent studying my current subject or even calling my family and wishing them well?

My idea of something funny

My idea of something funny

How can I possibly be expected to rationalize that spending time with one friend will probably severely limit the time I can spend with another.  If I take one job and disregard a different opportunity will I be happy at that one job or spend forever regretting that decision and pining over how my life could have been?  Should I even stop and consider these things? If I did, what would I chose to do? How much time would I waste in that insane endeavor?

And when is there time to remember, to sift, to weigh, to estimate, to total?  – Tillie Olsen

Is one food going to be better for me than another?  Is one word or one sentence going to be more important than another?  How do I know that the words I am learning to use right now in my class are going to help me later on?  Should I spend more time trying to figure out how I could have been more sensitive in a situation or how I should have been more direct?  How will stopping to look at a random person creating their own moment in time or piece of art change my life?  Will I regret not eating more desserts and drinking more wine?  Will not taking the time to stop, look and listen cause me to lose my inspiration, my momentum or place in a line?  If I do or don’t stop will it even matter?  Will I learn more and be more and have more if I go left instead of right? Or wait.. maybe I did go left when I should have gone right?  I should have stopped .. or should I have kept going?

I wish I could tell you that there was an answer to this question or even a point to me writing this.  Maybe I’m just currently wasting your time.  Or YOU are wasting your time by reading what I have written.  Before you start thinking I’m feeling sad about my life or where I am today I want to be very clear on this.  My own opinion is that nothing you do is truly wasted time as long as you can recognize what you need to be changing to make yourself happy and as long as you can keep moving ahead.  I have recently been surrounded by some very sad, angry and confused individuals who do nothing but regret their actions.  They regret their lost youth and the time that has been lost doing whatever it is they were doing.  It’s been a challenge for me when I hear their stories.  When I look at them I see a person who is still young, still able to make changes and yet they describe themselves in a way that makes me imagine that in their minds this is what they are seeing:

I have very, very few regrets about the things I have done or the places I have gone and even if some of my decisions were bad ones, AND I’m positive that many probably were, I would not be here now doing the things I am doing if I had done anything differently.  Yes, I have had to go back and start over during some very challenging portions of my life.  I have had to change my mind and my attitude on several occasions in order to keep moving ahead and growing and understanding what exactly it was I was supposed to be doing. In my opinion, it is NEVER too late to learn a new attitude or a new trade or even just how to live with yourself.   I’m told I’m a little unrealistic when I say that I feel that everyone can do the same thing.  I truly believe that anyone can start over and that best time to do that is..NOW!!!

Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.  – Steve Jobs

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. – W. C. Fields

In Time (2011) Sci-Fi

  Henry Hamilton: How old are you? In real time?

  Will Salas: 28.

  Henry Hamilton: I’m 105.

  Will Salas: Good for you. You won’t see 106, you have too many more nights like tonight.

  Henry Hamilton: You are right. But the day comes when you’ve had enough. Your mind can be spent, even if your body’s not. We want to die. We need to.

  Will Salas: That’s your problem? You’ve been alive too long? You ever known anyone who’s died?

  Henry Hamilton: For a few to be immortal, many must die.

  Will Salas: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

  Henry Hamilton: You really don’t know, do you? Everyone can’t live forever. Where would we put them? Why do you think there are time zones? Why do you think taxes and prices go up the same day in the ghetto? The cost of living keeps rising to make sure people keep dying. How else could there be men with a million years while most live day to day? But the truth is… there’s more than enough. No one has to die before their time. If you had as much time as I have on that clock, what would you do with it?

  Will Salas: I’d stop watching it. I can tell you one thing. If I had all that time, I sure as hell wouldn’t waste it.

The Illusion of Time (Nova/Youtube)

Time. We waste it, save it, kill it, make it. The world runs on it. Yet ask physicists what time actually is, and the answer might shock you: They have no idea. Even more surprising, the deep sense we have of time passing from present to past may be nothing more than an illusion. How can our understanding of something so familiar be so wrong? In search of answers, Brian Greene takes us on the ultimate time-traveling adventure, hurtling 50 years into the future before stepping into a wormhole to travel back to the past. Along the way, he will reveal a new way of thinking about time in which moments past, present, and future—from the reign of T. rex to the birth of your great-great-grandchildren—exist all at once. This journey will bring us all the way back to the Big Bang, where physicists think the ultimate secrets of time may be hidden. You’ll never look at your wristwatch the same way again.