Happy birthdeathsary Dad..


October has been a month dedicated strictly to my dad.  It is the month of his birth as well the month of his death.  Every day on Facebook I have posted a picture of and a story relating to my dad that I think coincides to the story.  As stated in my last post, he was an amazing man and the most amazing man I have encountered in my life.

Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad, and that’s why I call you dad, because you are so special to me. You taught me the game and you taught me how to play it right.   ~~~Wade Boggs

October 1 – Dad, Mom, and the grandmas – 

It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was. ~~~Anne Sexton

October 2  &  3  – Dad and me about 2010 -and the  darn  family!! 

My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~~~Clarence Budington Kelland

Oct 4 – Dad and some sisters at L&E.. I know it’s the Sportsman cafe but will always belong to L & E to my heart.

My father was my teacher. But most importantly he was a great dad. ~~~Beau Bridges

October 5 – Dad’s younger days.  Reminding  me  and  teaching  me…  my  worth  ..  my  value..  day  by  day  

My father said there were two kinds of people in the world: givers and takers. The takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better. ~~~Marlo Thomas

October 6 – One of my very favorite photos. Mom and dad looking so young, Patricia and Veronica not looking any different these days, and me looking slightly crazed. This photo immortalized into a deck of cards after dad’s passing by Dori (Thank you so much)! Nothing but hearts and smiles in my heart right now and every time I look at this.

My father always used to say that when you die, if you’ve got five real friends, then you’ve had a great life. ~~~Lee Iacocca

October 7 – An oldie but a goodie. Mom and dad. Both gave me humor.  Both gave me inspiration and ability. Both game me drive and determination.  But only one.. only one.. gave me 100% unconditional love.  Every time.. all the time…

A father’s tears and fears are unseen, his love is unexpressed, but his care and protection remain as a pillar of strength throughout our lives. ~~~Ama H. Vanniarachchy

October 8 – This one is for missing yesterday.. so weird to think that I am older now than my mom or dad was in this picture.. an obvious thing but so weird how you can outlive a memory that feels like it was only yesterday.

Dad is and always will be my living, breathing superhero. ~~~ Bindi Irwin

October 9 –

Dad and his truck… probably some of my favorite one-on-one times! Just me and him driving down 90 or 94.. he’d let me call out to other truckers.. breaker breaker this is 2 can sam (cb name that started as a tease from my sisters becoming coolest name ever).. chats about everything from books to jokes.. oh the stories he could tell.. (I once met a man on the road with such greasy hair.. flies would just slide right off) one day after I had been talking nonstop.. dad pointed out the window and said..”you see that mountain Sami? It’s probably about 50 miles away now. What do you see?” I spent the next 50 miles looking quietly.. then making a guess.. I never saw what he was looking at..before he passed.. talking through memories of road trips, I remembered that.. I asked him about it.. he remembered it too.. I asked him what he had been looking at.. his eyes teared up.. so did mine.. but instead of crying he started laughing.. I was like… what?!? He could barely speak he was laughing so hard .. and between gasps.. he finally got it out…
NOTHING he saw nothing.. he was just trying to get me to shut up!!! Hahahaha!! 40+ years thinking about what was on the mountain.. that man.. he knew how to keep a long joke going.. we laughed so hard.. yeah! Dad, love ya… still laughing..

October 10 –

My good people as you pass by
as you are now so once was I.
As I am now you soon will be ,
prepare yourself to follow me.

It was my father who taught me to value myself. ~~~ Dawn French

October 11 –

Dad … CHOSE … me.
When I was about 26 years old, I found out that dad was not my biological dad. I was the only one who didn’t know, and the only one who didn’t freak out. I was amazed by it. Not broken by it. Apparently he made it clear to everyone he didn’t want me to know he wasn’t my biological dad because he didn’t want me to ever feel like I didn’t fit in. I believe it was truly the only secret my family was ever able to keep. I spent my life knowing that I was loved by my dad. But up until that very moment, I had never really known that me, being loved by dad, was not just a biological inevitability, but a deliberate and hard thought out choice that he made. The fact I never knew and would never have known … well, that says way more than words ever could.
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. ~~~Spike Milligan

October 12-
This is just one more example of why dad was special. Never one to skip a laugh. Never one to not join in with our own jokes. Miss your humor dad.
My father was not a failure. After all, he was the father of a president of the United States. ~~~Harry S Truman

October 13 –
I guess you could say these two have always been my favorite men. The only two who made me feel comfortable enough to be silent. I’m not saying silence happened often. I’m just saying that their calmness created calm inside of me.
No matter what was going on, they were unflappable. .. dad and grandpa…grandpa and dad. They both had an amazing sense of humor. Grandpa was a little quieter than dad and that’s saying a lot because dad was pretty darn quiet at times. While dad always had a book with him grandpa always had some kind of activity going on. You can’t blame dad because he was surrounded by very talkative women.
So many stories about each of them. I remember having my first car and letting one of my friends drive I decided to go visit my grandpa. I told my friend to take a right a little bit too late and she ran into his fence knocking down the entire gateway. When we pulled to a stop we tried switching places so he would think I did it and by the time we switched seats and looked up, he was standing directly in front of us. Had seen the whole thing. Didn’t say a word. He put his rake against the wall, grabbed his hammer and some nails and went to repair the fence. Grandpa and dad never once brought this incident up in any negative way.
My friend and I still talk about this. Grandpa and dad actually laughed about this until the very end. Completely unflappable. Miss you both!

My father told me ‘Name your price in the beginning. If it ever gets more expensive than the price you name, get out of there.’ ~~~Dave Chappelle

October 14 – 

Getting close to dads birthday now and thought I would go way,way, way back with him. High school senior picture I think. Has always been a reminder to me that when I see some old geezer walking down the street all cranky and full of piss and vinegar.. they were young once too. Bright-eyed and bushy tailed and ready to conquer the world.
Fast forward about 36 years. Mom and dad helping me put a new roof on my house. End of day. Dad and I go to that old bar in Hillyard that is at the top of green street down from Amicarrellas (sp?) sitting in there having a beer and and he says to me, “See that kid walking in? How old do you think he is?” I replied at least 21, we are in a bar dad. He was like.. no, no I know.. but how old do you think he is?
Now not many know this about dad but he was a thinker. Always had been. So when he asked a second time, well I knew he was about to make a point. So I guessed 23-24. He said, “Exactly! And every day I get up.. that’s how old I feel like I am. And as I get out of bed with bones creaking and pass a mirror.. I always ask my reflection.. who the FK is this ol’ bstrd looking back at me. Life goes by so quickly Sami-don’t forget that.”
I never have! Love you dad.

Everything my mother and father did was designed to put me where I am. ~~~Henry Louis Gates

October 15

Man you gotta love the 80s. This is basically proof that I wasn’t just a daddy’s girl.. heck I was a daddy’s teen.. followed by a daddy’s woman .. eventually I was a daddy’s Grammy Sami…

Being a daddy’s girl is like having permanent armor for the rest of your life.” ~~~Marinela Reka

October 16

Sometimes you forget that your parents also have parents… have lost parents.. as much as I was a daddy’s girl.. dad was a momma’s boy. Not in today’s interpretation of the word.. but he was just a kid who, through his life, LOVED his momma. My grandma. He also frequently tried to emulate his daddy. But his mom.. that’s where his heart was.

A father needs to be the standard against which she will judge all men. ~~~Gregory E.

October 17

When I think of this group, I think of happy gatherings. Holidays. Anniversaries. Birthdays. Only 2 remain. That doesn’t make me sad. Sometimes wistful. But not sad. There is only one way out of this messy, chaotic life. I try my best to celebrate that fact. Each and every day. I am not always successful at that. Sometimes I am a complete and utter failure at it. When that happens, and it has and it will happen again, I try not to beat myself up too hard. Before my mom passed..and during dad’s fight with cancer, I asked them both the same question and they both answered in relatively the exact same way. I try to always remind myself of their answer and pull myself up and once again carry on.
Me: Do you have any regrets?
Mom: Yeah. But what can you do about the past? All I can do is try to keep being me. A better me.
Dad: Of course. You can’t get through life successfully without em.. just gotta keep trucking.. hope for the best
So I just keep truckin..forgiving myself..trying to be a better me.. accepting of others more.. because none of us make it out of here alive and we are all just doing the best we can.

Fathers and daughters have a special bond. She is always daddy’s little girl. ~~~Richard L. Ratliff

October 18

This is by far my favorite picture of dad.  My daughters and dad just cutting a rug. When my sisters and I grew up, I think mom and dad had had enough of the kids, any kids, in their house.  So to be honest, we never spent much time with them.  They weren’t the huggy, lovey, kissy grandparents.  They didn’t beg for more time with the kids.  It always made me a little bit sad.  But I knew that they loved each other. I just don’t think they had enough time together.  Love is such an easy thing to forget.  Or just miss.

This picture is always a reminder to me that, if given the chance, and you let your guard down, there is always a chance for smiles and laughter.  I wish my daughters could have spent more good times with dad.  Times like this.  They loved him and he loved them. I am not sure that any of them REALLY knew it.    It’s just another reminder of how short time is. Let people know that you REALLY love them.

An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. — Gene Perret

A good father will leave his imprint on his daughter for the rest of her life. ~~~ Dr. James Dobson

October 19

When I think of this group, I think of happy gatherings. Holidays. Anniversaries. Birthdays. Only 2 remain. That doesn’t make me sad. Sometimes wistful. But not sad. There is only one way out of this messy, chaotic life. I try my best to celebrate that fact. Each and every day. I am not always successful at that. Sometimes I am a complete and utter failure at it. When that happens, and it has and it will happen again, I try not to beat myself up too hard. Before my mom passed..and during dad’s fight with cancer, I asked them both the same question and they both answered in relatively the exact same way. I try to always remind myself of their answer and pull myself up and once again carry on.
Me: Do you have any regrets?
Mom: Yeah. But what can you do about the past? All I can do is try to keep being me. A better me.
Dad: Of course. You can’t get through life successfully without em.. just gotta keep trucking.. hope for the best
So I just keep truckin..forgiving myself..trying to be a better me.. accepting of others more.. because none of us make it out of here alive and we are all just doing the best we can.

October 20

This is likely one of my most common memories of dad. It’s just dad coming home. Happened all the time. It was a super common event. So why take a picture? Well, dad was a trucker. He was gone a lot. This could have been a normal day or a special event. But it doesn’t matter. Pretty much every time he came home it was special. I’d love to see him walk in a door again. Any door.

A father’s job is not to teach his daughter how to be a lady. It’s to teach her how a lady should be treated. ~~~ Unknown

October 21

Dad’s birthday is tomorrow. As I was scrolling through my photos I came across the mile 13 photo. This set photo is huge. It started as a trip dad wanted to take to visit mom’s resting place in Montana. Was supposed to be dad, me, and my sisters but turned into.. a 15 passenger van with pretty much the whole family… down to the grandkids! At first I think dad was annoyed.. but it’s one of the things he talked about during one of our last conversations. One of the most chaotic but best memories he had. He had planned this to be his last resting place. You had to drive through some beautiful country to get there… find mile marker 13, climb through someone’s fence, climb s bill…dad, my sis, and Mike drove there to scout it out.. apparently after som 60 years.. it was gone. It was a new development.. as dad put it to me.. ”Well, I was very disappointed. Yet surprised it had been left for so long. I can still feel the drop in my stomach. But what do ya do?” That led to us looking over the pictures of the trip.. when he got in the van to go visit mom.. his only thought had been…”WTF have I just got myself into!” I asked him how many times in his life had that thought popped into his head raising us. He looked at me and without a blink said, “Every FKN day!” Then laughed.. and said, “But like that trip, at the end of it, I have had more happy times than frustrated times and I don’t regret a thing.”

October 22 – Happy Birthday Dad.

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I love my daddy. My daddy’s everything. I hope I can find a man that will treat me as good as my dad.” ~~~Lady Gaga

My dear father; my dear friend; the best and wisest man I ever knew, who taught me many lessons and showed me many things as we went together along the country by-ways. ~~~ Sarah Orne Jewett

Daddy, thanks for being my hero, chauffeur, financial support, listener, life mentor, friend, guardian and simply being there every time I need a hug.  ~~~Agatha Stephanie Lin

Sturmfrei


Sturmfrei (noun) Origin: German | shtUrm·frI  The freedom of being alone and having the ability to do what you want.

“Have you ever heard the wonderful silence just before the dawn? Or the quiet and calm just as a storm ends? Or perhaps you know the silence when you haven’t the answer to a question you’ve been asked, or the hush of a country road at night, or the expectant pause of a room full of people when someone is just about to speak, or, most beautiful of all, the moment after the door closes and you’re alone in the whole house? Each one is different, you know, and all very beautiful if you listen carefully.”
― Norton Juster

I have never been bothered with being alone.  I have always been able to entertain myself. I’m very seldom lonely.  I traveled by myself through Cambodia for 6 weeks.  I hit Peru by myself and did a tour through Machu Picchu. I often start and end vacations alone.  Aloneness gives me time to regroup from the world of chaos that I often find myself in.

The traveling has been stupendous.  I was able to spend time taking photos, meet people outside of my normal group, and break out of my comfort zone.  Everything I did was the result of the choices I made. It was fun and I wasn’t bored.

However, the older I get, the more I like to travel and do things with others.  I look back on some pictures of my travels and I do not negate the fun I had on those trips.  I did have fun.  I met wonderful people along the way and even made some life-long friends through my solo journeys.

Sometimes though, after the travels and excitement ended, it was far less interesting going through some of the photos alone.  Me alone. Someone taking a picture of me by myself.  Me taking photos of scenery and people that were interesting in the moment.  Many of those stories still live on. I just cannot explain them adequately to others. Or no matter how deeply these times were explained, others simply did not care about them as they had no relevance to the situation, place, smell, culture.  I had no one to laugh or reminisce with about the wacky ways of the world.

“Never be in thrall to anyone but your own wants and desires, because only you can make yourself happy. Fly your own flag, and be true to it. Your soul is the true captain.”
― Billy Idol

I will always love my time alone. However, the shared memories I have with my family and with my friends are often more rich for the sharing.  The joined memories that pop up in my head, often pop up in the heads of the individuals or groups who shared the events.  Shared memories make you feel like you are still with that person or group.

“Humans, not places, make memories.”
― Ama Ata Aidoo

“The things we do outlast our mortality. The things we do are like monuments that people build to honor heroes after they’ve died. They’re like the pyramids that the Egyptians built to honor the pharaohs. Only instead of being made of stone, they’re made out of the memories people have of you.”
― R.J. Palacio

“We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and—in spite of True Romance magazines—we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely—at least, not all the time—but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.”
― Hunter S. Thompson

pratya; cherie; jeena; Mitch; joseyphina; MJreflect; isadora; rad; anita; aviana; muse; Montanaclarks; lostmum

Dès Vu


Dès Vu (noun) Origin: Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows | The awareness that this will become a memory.

ETYMOLOGY: From the French word dès vu, “seen as soon as” or “seen from this point forward”

Sometimes this is how I view the things I do as I am doing them.  I travel a lot and have lived far away from everyone I know for a very long time.  My long-standing and connected group of friends and family have built histories of togetherness and sameness.  Sometimes I am jealous of them.  Sometimes they say they are jealous of me.

This has been my intent and my dream and I have chosen this life and have very few regrets.  I turn 54 this month and though this is still young, I am quite far from my mid-life stage.  I mean really?  I truly do not expect to live to 108.  I do have some decades in front of me but sometimes when I am looking ahead, I can’t help but already feel disconnected from what is directly in front of me.  I feel like the present has already happened and I begin to miss moments at the exact time I am experiencing them.  I know that in minutes it will be gone and all that will remain is the memory of what once was…

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Once in a while you look up, and watch as the present turns into a memory, as if some future you is already looking back on it.

“I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved and where all your yesteryears are buried deep, leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance.”
― Beryl Markham

“The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me, because there was no longer anyone to remember with. It felt like losing your co-rememberer meant losing the memory itself, as if the things we’d done were less real and important than they had been hours before.”
― John Green

Dès Vu – Mina; Neveah; Winter; Murmel; Eliza; Brian; Inese; nananoyz; jay-lyn; Happysoul; Dorinda; paintdigi

Day 16 ~ XX Countries ~ Korea


“How did it get so late so soon?”
― Dr. Seuss

“I don’t want to repeat my innocence. I want the pleasure of losing it again.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald

I think I want to return to the first place I lived as an adult but always felt like a child.  I know they say you can’t go home again, but I sort of want to try.  I know it would be different.  I know the same people would not be there.  I don’t even know if I would like it as much as I did when I was there before.  It was such a unique experience.  Both of my daughters at one point joined me there and spent a year each at different times.  If I went back, what would I change?  If I went back, would I regret it?

“The past beats inside me like a second heart.”
― John Banville

The friends I made.  The food I ate. The places I went. The laughs I had.  The memories we all made.  They stay with me like an ache. I am brilliant at forgetting the times that were not amazing and when I look back at this fresh blast of freedom, I can only think of the connections I made and how alive I felt.  How very, very, very alive and joyful.
“He was still too young to know that the heart’s memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and that thanks to this artifice we manage to endure the burden of the past.”
― Gabriel García Márquez
We were so active in the community we lived in.  We participated in so many things.  We played games, worked as helping hands at food drives and orphanages, acted in theater or at least carried lights, toured far and wide, and attended festivals.  Most importantly, there was a disassociation from the news, tv, internet, political and social issues that today just seem never ending and overwhelming at times.
“What i like about photographs is that they capture a moment that’s gone forever, impossible to reproduce.”
― Karl Lagerfeld
“Time is the longest distance between two places.”
― Tennessee Williams
“They say I’m old-fashioned, and live in the past, but sometimes I think progress progresses too fast!”
― Dr. Seuss
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Subway heartache (sung to “It’s a heartache” lyrics remade by me and my daughter.  Made sense at the time.  Just in case you want to sing along…I couldn’t load the video but think you would have enjoyed it.
It’s a heart ache. .. sometimes it seems sooo strange..
Sitting on the subway.. surrounded by Ko-reee eeehhh ans..
It’s a fools game.. looks like it will rain…
I think I’m lost again.. I don’t know where I eye eye am..
It’s not right.. when they all stare.. as if I wasn’t there
but I am
I think it’s quite insane.. they don’t know who I am.. but they stare..

Day 8 – Food Porning Memories


One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.
~Virginia Woolf

Happy Thanksgiving 2020 reminds me of other times I have found pleasure with friends and family through the enjoyment of a wild array of food and drink.   Memories are enhanced with food shots from a variety of places and in various forms of preparedness.  Though there were hundreds of other memories associated with food, these were really some of my favorites. I hope you enjoy.

Pull up a chair. Take a taste. Come join us. Life is so endlessly delicious.
~Ruth Reichl

Other posts that made me hungry- foodforthought; kitchenandfood; gummypumpkin; cakes; plating; bread; Hobbs; Dillan; Lesou; Elliot